I’ve Watched You Suffer.

What sacrifices have you made in life?

“A sacrifice is the act of giving up something of value—such as time, money, or a personal desire—for the sake of a greater good, or to offer it to a higher power”

The feeling of performing CPR on a patient is something I’ll never forget.

The sweat drenching my skin. My heart pounding. Blood, and puke, and urine, and feces. Sweat. Saliva.

As I force my palm down onto your chest, your ribs snap. This pressure, this weight, compresses your heart, and forces the blood in it to follow its natural course, carrying oxygen to your brain.

It buys you just a little bit of time with every push.

I look down into your eyes. One of two things are occurring to them: they’re either lifeless, staring up at me, or, if things are going very well, you’re awake, and terrified.

Either way, I can’t stop. Even if you’re awake now, as soon as I stop pressing down on your fractured chest, you drop immediately. You might not wake up if I pause.

Next to me, your family members are screaming, or crying, or just sitting there, staring off into the void. They beg me and my team to save you.

I’m 28. I’ve done this with men, women, and children. I’ve done so many codes I couldn’t even count them all. Most don’t live.

But I keep trying.

I put 100% of me into that moment.

I watch you suffer.

I watch you die.

And it’s horrible every time.

My sacrifice, is that no matter how much I hate watching people die, no matter how horrible it feels, I keep coming back. For eight years I’ve come back. And I’m going to come back tomorrow.

Because maybe, if we’re really lucky, we can get one more back.