I don’t feel like writing. I get started, I stop, I loathe myself, and I start again, but I definitely don’t feel like doing it.
There’s so much going on in the world, and most of it is pretty horrible.
I’m tired of it all.
But I carry on.
I think that’s the most important thing I can do, not that it means much.
I used to dream about escaping. Then I dreamed about being someone that mattered. Now I just want to carry on.
In Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, he describes a world where that’s all you can do. Give up, and the darkness wins. Carry on, and just maybe, something gets better.
In the midst of all of this keeping on, I’ve found my perspective shifting. I no longer believe there is a cure for the way I feel about the world. It sounds nihilistic, but it’s not.
Rather, I’ve decided that my feelings of disdain for the pointless wars, the hatred, the seemingly infinite waves of sin, are fine. I should disdain these things, it’s a sign that my morals are still functioning.
Take the Cornell University situation. A woman was harmed in a way most vile, by a group of men. Some stood by and remained silent, allowing it to happen, and think themselves more righteous for not being active participants. None were arrested, and the “punishments” for such behavior was exceptionally mild.
My first reaction to it was disgust. The second was a sense of despair. After all, what kind of world are we living in where this kind of crime is excused, and goes unpunished?
It’s not unnatural to feel quite hopeless in a world like ours. To recognize that it has always been a fallen world, with atrocities to spare, and will remain in such a state, is a reason to be sad.
But even as I wrote this, I also have to remember where my hope lies. That although I chose to separate myself from God by sinning, there is a way forward. That in the end, there will be no more abuses.
I am loathe to wait for it, but I find myself very selfish for that. Ultimately, my call to men is the same it always has. Stand up for the week. Be both kind and gentle, and humble. Do not stand by as injustice is done.
We men are called to more. We have a purpose. The world has grown darker in the past few years. Men have let their responsibilities lapse.
I am tired.
So tired.
But I carry on.
