Presence

I’ve just begun reading the Count of Monte Cristo, and I’ve reached a point in the story, which caused me to engage in a bit of reflection.

Edmond, is betrothed to the beautiful Mercedes, at the height of bliss. He’s enjoying his feast, surrounded by both friends and backstabbers alike, and the scene set is most joyful for him. He has plans, aspirations, a future! Excitement and bliss! Everything one should feel on their wedding day.

It struck me with a certain sense of wonderment, because I did not feel any such way on my wedding day. Excitement, bliss, joy. I had none of it.

And I have to ask why, don’t I?

Truth be told, I struggle to remember my wedding. It’s embarrassing to admit. I love my wife, and I wouldn’t replace her for anyone else. I most certainly wanted to marry her. So why couldn’t I feel anything other than anxiety on this most auspicious day?

And I think what it comes down to is a case of observation obsession and permissive anxiety.

What do I mean? Well, all my life I have been the observer. An orchestrator, moving towards the background of things. Up until this point, I hadn’t been the true center of anything. I was trained to look to others. I enjoyed watching others do well, have fun, etc.

But I never really engaged in that kind of thing on my own. I wasn’t an athlete, a musician, an artist. I had no true talent to be nurtured and to share with the world. I wasn’t enrolled in any sport of consequence, and I truly didn’t make myself the center of anyone’s attention in a way that mattered.

Always, I stayed towards the background of the room. At parties, church events, social gatherings. I was off to the side, undistractedly watching the actions of my friends and loved ones. I felt a deep ache in my chest each time, which was without a doubt love, but love through separation.

Eye contact would be made. Smiles gently exchanged. And then they would move on. So of course, when the time comes that I and my wife are the center of attention, I don’t know what to do with it. In fact, even as I reflect on it, I can see the smiling faces of friends and family alike. And yet, as I reflect on it, I felt apart from the whole thing. Distant, in some way, at the time I should have been most present.

Secondly, the permissive anxiety. This is a term that I have devised in the moment, and if one should have a more appropriate or technical term for it, I do indeed hope that you will share it with me.

I have always been afraid. From a very young age, I let my anxiety control me, and drag me down, and prevent me from attempting things I wanted to. Or, alternatively, I would fail, and simply stop trying to get back up.

This is the foundation of my earliest preparedness journey. I would overdo things, knowing that if I didn’t fully commit and succeed, I would never commit to doing a thing again.

Tragedy of tragedies, and shame of shame, to let fear of failure guide my actions so.

I believe this permission to be afraid, led directly to my expectation of disaster. After all, if I don’t permit myself to be capable of good things, to have enjoyment, what joy can I have?

I simply wait for the other shoe to drop. I get married, but worry after the end of my marriage. I have a party, but worry my friends will be miserable. So I distance myself from the positive emotions, and leave only room for anxiety, tragedy. I allow it in.

What results is likely why I can remember so little of my wedding. I had dissociated, simply waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So what can I do now?

Well, for one, I need to give myself permission to ease up a bit. I should enjoy myself. I should permit that. The memories of my past aren’t coming back any time soon, but there are more coming. So perhaps, next time, I’ll allow myself to capture that moment.

Secondly, I can’t pass this on. My children, should I be so blessed, must be raised in a way where thy permit themselves to feel joy. That they remember their childhood, their dates, their proposals, and their weddings fondly and clearly. To give them opportunities to enjoy being the center for a moment. To feel good about themselves.